Beginings to what might turn into a good book: 

In the afterlife, if there is one, I will spend most of my time in jail.  I will, not because I am a failure, but because I smoke(d) cigorettes for a time.  My mother smoked cigarettes 20 years ago.  Doctors say she has a heart problem because of it.  I am begining to believe that I have a heart problem.  Because of the cigarettes.  Every day and every night I have feelings that I may die today or that I may die tomorrow.  Sometimes I don't want to die.  Other times I wish I had never existed. 

When I was in high school, I thought about killing myself.  What kept me alive was that I knew I could save those who thought the same way as I did, if not worse, if not better.  I never cut myself though.  Never understood the point.  Well, Maybe not entirely.  I used to, if I was mad, punch a locker.  I didn't do it very often.  Not until I was a bit older.  Even then, I didn't do it much.  And no, I don't need a Shrink. 

So I've finally faced my fact.  I am depressed.  Even with friends.  And its not so much as the possibility that I'm not happy.  Its more...I don't know where I am or where I'm going.  I am lost.  I am alone.  Even around the ones I love or that love me, I do not exist.  I am a failure at the only system that works.  The System.  Everyone's way of living.  Except mine.  Like the rich kids I went to high school with.  If I had learned to fight before they started making fun of me, no one would have.  I didn't learn to fight until no one cared about who I was and just stopped the harrassing.  But it wasn't just learning how to fight with my fists, I needed to learn how to fight with my mind.  Since I didn't like the system, it didn't like me.  Thus no fists, no mind. 

This song really makes me think about my life. 

In The End,

By Linkin Park

It starts with
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down ’till the end of the day
Clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
You didn’t look out below,
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryn’ to hold on
Didn’t even know, I wasted it all
Just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it’s meant to be
Will, eventually be,
A memory of a time,
When I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter...
I had to fall, to loose it all...
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter...

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even mather how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself
How I tried so hard...
Dispite the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end...

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to be, will
Eventually, be a memory of a time
When I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far, as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust, in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know...
I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all,
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter